Starry Night

A story about revolution in Iran and its bloody aftermath

"They used to drag them out at night, under the stars, and then they shoot them. It wasn’t my fault. I did not do anything wrong. I was just watching them through the bars. They used to sing or shout for freedom when they were shot at."

Poormand and I looked back. We had arrived pretty late and had just managed to get the two seats at the back of the bus, the worst seats. The guy was behind us. He was sitting on something even worse than ours, the driver’s bed, or throne, a very uncomfortable box that was also used to store drinks. The driver had picked him up while on the road, just outside the city. He had flagged the bus and had begged to get in and now was sitting there talking to himself under his breath. A dark tall skinny guy in his 30s with old clothes clutching a small brown paper bag in his bony fingers. He had stubble on his face and it was evident he had not taken a shower for a long time. He was just sitting there and mumbling under his breath. Other passengers also looked back, but then turned back and “tried” to forget him. People did not like to listen to this sort of talk. It was 1985, just after the complete purge, when the crude and terrifying fist of the government forces had crushed the last remnants of opposition and there was a bloody murderous purge going on. Nobody dared to talk about it and nobody dared to listen to others talking about it. Especially outside the capital and in the small cities and towns people were really scared. They had to be scared. It was a matter of life or death, how could they know who was in the bus and who was listening to what one was saying to others. Especially with all those road blocks that were dotting the roads. Every half an hour, near each small town and village, there was a post established by the militia of the village or the town. The bus would stop and a young teenager with a Klashnikov would pop in and walk the length of the bus, looking at all the passengers. It was real difficult and scary. Everybody tried to avoid his gaze, some looked outside, some pretended to read something, some pretended to be asleep. From time to time one was picked out and ordered out and sometime they would not return and the bus was ordered to leave. So it was that our poor friend at the back was talking to himself and being ignored intentionally by everyone.

Poormand and I were on our way to one of those small dusty towns in the middle of nowhereland for the new master plan. I was newly employed by his office. There was a lot of work that had to be done in just a few days before we got back. I had the papers and plans and maps with me. I was trying to focus on them but could not help listening to the guy talking to himself. He was the tragedy of my sorrowful land that was talking and would not shut up. Poormand was also trying not to listen and busy himself with work. But I could not. I was still hot with revolutionary zeal and ideals. Still a student, though the universities were shut down in the so called “cultural revolution” to get rid of the troublemakers. Everyday was more horrible, darker and more painful than the day before. The long list of the executed was getting longer and longer. You felt helpless. It was like you have been caught in a madhouse, it was like there was no intelligence and pity left in this world. It was a civil war, but a silent civil war, without physical destruction and the clashes in the streets and the bombs and the bombers. It was a civil war, but a civil war without the loud explosions and without ruins in the streets. It was a civil war fought behind closed doors. Away from the eyes of the population, a civil war everybody was aware of but nobody would dare to mention. The only thing you knew was that everyday the list of the dead and disappeared would get longer and longer. The guy must be one of them, one of the casualties. Like many of my university friends. Like Kazem, Akram’s husband, with a one month old daughter, who was got killed in his own house in front of his wife and daughter. Kazem, who was the first one who introduced us to a guy called Khomeini preaching against the shah in Iraq, several years before the revolution, in the department’s cafeteria. Kazem, who the day after the massacre at the Jaleh square was in the university, the blood of the massacred still fresh on his shirt. Kazem, who at the same day, was in the car with us while we were driving around the city checking out the soldiers with their American gun and the tanks in the streets on the first day when the martial law was declared and more than three people in the street could not gather together. Later it became a joke when more than a million people were taking part in demonstrations and it was still under the martial law.

The bus stopped late afternoon at one of the cafes on the road. We got out to have the food we had brought with us and most passengers went in to order food. Poormand went into the long line in front of the washroom. There, while he was in the line, the guy had come to him, gave his crumpled bag and had asked him to keep while he was eating in the restaurant. When Poormand got in the bus he was still carrying the bag. Other passengers showed up little by little and the driver came in later and started the bus. We looked at each other. The guy was not in and the bag was left with Poormand. I told him to open the bag. Wow, there was lots of money, cash, in the bag. Thousands of toomans, before the inflation, at that time, it was lots of money. What should we do? We went to the front and told the driver about the bag and the guy. The driver was one nice guy, when he heard the story, he turned the bus and drove back to the café. Other passengers threw nasty looks at us, but who dares to challenge the driver who is going to drive the whole night and has our lives in his grip? When we arrived there, the guy was waiting outside. He got in, without even looking at us or the driver, without one word, not even a thanks, and went back and sat at his throne. Poormand gave him the bag. For the first time he looked up at us and thanked him. We sat down. It was dark and getting late. The monotonous movement of the bus had most of the passengers sleeping and dozing off already. But we could not sleep, he was still talking to himself. And then I heard him: “ It was not my fault comrades, it was not my fault. I swear to god, they pushed the gun into my hands and told me if I don’t shoot you, they will kill me, what could I do? Please forgive me comrades, please forgive me”. He was repeating the same line, and he was crying. I was shocked, motionless. When I looked back, I could see the tear lines on his unwashed face.

What could I say? How could I even try to calm him down? Is it at all possible to sooth this pain. I looked at poormand. He had also heard this, no denying it. He was also in a state of shock. We looked at each other, but uttered no word.

I could not sleep the whole length of the trip to that small dusty town. When we arrived, he disappeared into the dark cold night, a broken soul with one small paper bag in his hands, no suitcase, no backpack, nothing else. One broken soul spit out of a dark evil world that had crushed him senseless.

I can never forget that night and that trip. If anything can explain what we went through in those dark years, that is the closest. That trip through the dark night falling on my land.